The 'Feh' Squad
by Lord Iron-Balls
Summary: Happosai summons a demon - only this one contains Shikon shards. A crack team involving Ranma, Pantyhose Taro and Inu-Yasha must go after and destroy the demon as it seeks to steal the panties of all Japan. Craziness, satire, fun and 'feh' abound. Check i


Well, I finally got back from my CIT program at my camp. It was a blast, but it's nice to   
not be responsible for a lot of crazy little kids anymore. One thing that did happen there   
was my inspiration for this story. I promise to finish Remnants, people. Don't worry. But   
I wanted to get this one started. Most of you who are reading this probably read my 'A   
Tribute to 'Feh'' story. If you didn't, go do so. The 20-something reviews I have right   
now tell me it's pretty good for a one-shot randomly inspired one-hour fic. Anyway,   
random inspiration strikes again. I was sitting there thinking about feh, and who uses it   
most (ah, the things you do when addicted to Takahashi manga). I came up with three   
candidates. Ranma Saotome, Inu-Yasha, and Pantyhose Taro (yeah, I know he doesn't   
show up much, but he uses it in very high concentrations when he does). Now, when you   
put those guys together, you get a pretty damn good collection of overwhelming egos,   
macho bravado, lack of social skills and serious fighting ability. Plus a very high 'feh'   
concentration. Sounded good to me. So, in the spirit of all that we love about Rumiko   
Takahashi's work, may I present to you...  
  
THE 'FEH' SQUAD  
  
Adventure is often described as 'heroic', 'epic', and 'a way for a hero to achieve   
his destiny'. In actuality, it is most often a frantic scramble to do damage control when   
someone does something really, really stupid. In the universe of Ranma Saotome, doing   
things really, really stupidly is pretty much standard operating procedure for most people   
(with the possible exception of the two older Tendo sisters), thus adventure was rather   
common. In this particular case, the culprit was the ancient, highly skilled, and above all   
perverted Master of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts, Happosai. And what he   
did was stupider than usual, even for him.  
  
Happosai, unfortunately for the rest of the Ranma universe, likes to spend   
peaceful times when he is not stealing panties summoning demons, usually for some sick   
purpose. This time was no exception. Happosai was attempting to summon a powerful   
demon, who he then hoped to control and send on panty raids, figuring a demon was a   
more imposing target for young ladies than a lecherous old man.  
  
The summoning went perfectly, except for one small problem...  
  
  
  
Very nearby, Kagome kicked a pebble in disgust as she looked at the score on her   
math exam. 'Ugh. Now I'm going to have to stay here another week to study for the   
makeup. Inu-Yasha is NOT going to like that.' Looking up, she saw something she had   
not been expecting. At the end of the alley she had absentmindedly been walking toward,   
an old man seemed to be doing some kind of ritual...  
  
  
Inu-Yasha stomped angrily through the streets, thoroughly annoyed at the fact that   
he was having to chase Kagome down in her own time. 'Where is that stupid girl? We   
have shards to find! She's already a day late. I'm taking her back no matter how many   
times she sits me.' He sniffed the air. 'Guess she's pretty close. Feh. Why's she   
wandering the streets when she should be finding shards?' He sped up.  
  
  
At the end of the alley, an air rip opened in front of Happosai. As the demon   
emerged, he triggered the spells to bind it to his will, but they were deflected by the   
Shikon shards it was carrying. The old man's face took on a perplexed expression. Not in   
the least hampered by the spells, the demon towered over the pervert, looking deep into   
his eyes.   
  
"FACE YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!!!"  
  
The demon's booming laughter echoed in Happosai's ears. Their brains contacted,   
and most horrifying vision Happosai had ever seen imprinted itself on his brain, causing   
massive overload of the perversion circuits. It was the centerfold for Playgirl. Happosai's   
brain reacted in the only way it could, by responding with a flood of images of his   
favorite panties, but it was not enough. His perversion circuits exploded, causing a   
massive short circuit in his brain. The demon disengaged and headed down the alley, a   
strange new craving inside its mind.  
  
  
Kagome watched in shock as the demon did something to the old man, causing   
him to fizzle and roll around in spasms on the ground. It turned and advanced toward her,   
a tall hulking human-shaped figure with holes for eyes and a cryptic rune on its chest. As   
she backed up against the wall in terror, it approached and blocked all routes of escape.   
'Inu-Yasha!' her mind cried, but she knew he was too far away to be of any help.  
  
The demon approached its prey, intending to suck the soul out of the young girl.   
Then a new thought intruded upon its brain. Having received a massive backlash from the   
ancient pervert's overload, it was still trying to sort out the new cravings. It cocked its   
head. "Give me your... panties."  
  
This was not exactly what Kagome was expecting to hear. "What?"  
  
The demon shook its head as if to clear it. Still the strange desire overwhelmed it.   
"Give me your PANTIES!" It advanced once more. Suddenly, a voice rang out behind   
it. "Oi! Ugly! You ain't gettin' anything off her!" Inu-Yasha stood behind the demon,   
having finally tracked down Kagome.  
  
The demon was still having problems with Happosai's brain patterns. "Do you   
have panties?"  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" Inu-Yasha moved forward to attack.  
  
"Must find panties. No panties here. Panties in... Nerima?" Suddenly the   
demon turned and headed off down the road at high speed. Inu-Yasha and Kagome stared   
after it with identical confused expressions. "What the hell?" they both asked   
simultaneously. This brought them back to a realization of their present situation. Inu-  
Yasha went over to Kagome.  
  
"You all right?" She thought she heard real concern in his voice. She stepped   
away from the wall, but still a little shaky, she tripped and grabbed onto the nearest   
available support. This happened to be Inu-Yasha. Startled, he caught her. Glancing down   
at her upturned face, their eyes met. All of a sudden both of them were very aware of the   
places where their bodies contacted. The moon chose that moment to come out from   
behind a cloud, bathing them in moonlight. In short, it was one of those ridiculously   
romantic moments.  
  
"Inu-Yasha..."  
  
"Kagome..."  
  
Slowly, their heads inched forward. And then, in that impeccably bad timing for   
which the universe is known, they heard a sound in the distance. "Panties!"  
  
Both let go of the other immediately and spun around so as to avoid the other   
seeing the blush on their face. Inu-Yasha recovered first. "Feh. I suppose we're gonna   
have to go after him." 'We weren't going to do anything... were we? Feh. Of course not.   
It's not like she's cute or anything, anyway.' As he turned his mind to other tasks, a   
treacherous little part of his mind that he usually managed to ignore echoed the end to his   
thought. 'Nope. She's beautiful.'  
  
Kagome was still having problems with something that had recently been in her   
mind. 'Inu-Yasha? Handsome? N-no! Just a trick of the light!' Her verbal circuits not yet   
completely recovered, she responded with a bit of a stammer. "Y-yeah. I g-guess so. Uh.   
You can stay at my house while we do. I needed to stay here for a makeup math exam   
anyway."  
  
The subject of exams was always a touchy one for Inu-Yasha. "What's with these   
stupid exams, anyway? We should get this done as soon as possible and go find more   
shards!"  
  
Kagome resisted the urge to 'Sit' him. After all, it wouldn't be a great idea to start   
out this extended stay in the present in a huge fight. Still, the comment annoyed her.   
"Because maybe I have a future after the shards, you dog-eared idiot!" Then another   
thought struck her. "Oh, and if you're going to be here a while, we really need better   
clothes for you. What you're wearing may be fine for 400 years ago, but not for walking   
around here in the present. I'm going to have to take you shopping tomorrow." The   
thought filled her with no small amount of glee.  
  
Inu-Yasha had no idea what this 'shopping' was, but he had a sinking feeling in   
his stomach. He was sure he wasn't going to like it. They walked off toward Kagome's   
house, one amused high school girl and one grumbling, sulking dog-eared half-demon,   
the moment they had shared mostly forgotten.  
  
  
Moments after they had left, another figure walked down the alley, wrapped in a   
cloak. Looking down at the broken figure of Happosai, he laughed, a harsh, bitter sound.  
  
"Feh. You finally met your match, old pervert."  
  
Happosai cracked one eye open. Although he was still in terrible shape, the old   
pervert had the best recovery ability anyone had ever seen, and even now he was   
beginning to recover.  
  
"P-pantyhose T-t-taro."  
  
The air seemed to grow noticeably colder. "Don't call me that. You're in no   
condition to escape if I decide to finish you once and for all." A twisted sneer appeared   
on his face. "Maybe I'll do just that."  
  
At this point Happosai's survival instincts took over. He knew that he could take   
more punishment than any two of the other martial artists combined. However, being in   
no condition to defend himself, and knowing the brute power of the pantyhose-clad man   
in front of him, he decided on an evasive strategy. Also, he had a chance to deal with a   
problem that was of great importance to him – the fact that a demon who could defeat   
him was now a rival for panties.  
  
"N-no. I p-promise... If you can defeat the demon who has done this to me... I will   
rename you to whatever you want. It will make me sad that such a wonderful name as   
Pantyhose Taro will be gone, but the sacrifice must be made." A tear dripped down the   
old man's cheek.  
  
For the second time that night, the neighborhood peace was shattered as   
Pantyhose Taro threw back his cloak, grabbed a microphone out of thin air and yelled as   
loud as he could.  
  
"SOON... I SHALL BE THE GREAT AND MIGHTY AWESOME TARO!!!!"  
  
  
  
A gentle smile graced the handsome face of Nerima's premiere martial artist.   
Nabiki Tendo contemplated it with a slight grin on her face. 'Hmm... he's kinda cute like   
that. Maybe I should get my camera and sell this pic... nah. She then threw the item she   
was carrying. A bucket of cold water drenched Ranma, both waking him and turning him   
into a girl.  
  
"Hey!" Ranma Saotome, having just been woken once again by cold water, was   
not in the best of moods. "What do you think you're do..." He trailed off as he saw   
Nabiki standing there with an especially nasty smirk on her face. 'Uh oh...'  
  
In a voice much too sweet not to be faked, Nabiki leaned toward him. "Ohhh,   
Ranma... Don't tell me you forgot that you and Akane are going shopping today?"  
  
Ranma went into stammer mode. "Uh, right, yeah, uh, sure. Shopping. Yeah.   
Right."  
  
Nabiki smiled and leaned closer. "And don't forget the nice loan I gave you.   
Which I expect to be paid back in full. With interest." Still smiling, she turned and   
sauntered off. Almost whimpering, Ranma stared after her. 'This is much, MUCH worse   
even than I thought...'  
  
He was cheered up greatly by the sight that greeted him upon coming downstairs.   
In the front door marched someone he hadn't seen for a while, Pantyhose Taro, carrying   
someone that he very much enjoyed seeing in his current condition of wretchedness,   
namely Happosai.  
  
"Hey, Pantyhose! Didja finally beat the old pervert?"  
  
Taro's expression darkened, but even being called by his hated name could not   
dampen his spirits. "Not quite, fem-boy. He summoned a demon that did. Feh. Foolish   
old man. However, once I finish destroying that demon, I have his sworn word that he   
will rename me to..." Here he paused for both dramatic emphasis and snatching a   
microphone out of thin air again.  
  
"AWESOME TARO!"  
  
Akane, having just entered the room, turned to Nabiki and muttered. "I still think   
that sounds stupid."  
  
Nabiki nodded. "Yeah, but who cares? As long as he leaves us alone, I don't care   
how stupidly he wants to name himself."  
  
Ranma was less circumspect about his reaction. "AHAHAHAHA!!! You actually   
expect Happosai to keep his word? Besides, if the demon beat him, then it'll kick your   
butt, seeing as you can't beat him."  
  
Taro sneered. "Feh. And you think you could beat it, cross-dresser?"  
  
"Watch it, Taro. Of course I could. I am, after all..." He paused to strike a pose.   
"Ranma Saotome, the greatest martial artist there is!" Sneering, he added one final word.   
"Feh." The dueling egos were almost visible in the air.  
  
As the two began to face off, exchanging insults, an idea began to form in   
Nabiki's head. She cut in.  
  
"Oh, boys?" Both Ranma and Pantyhose stopped and looked at her with identical   
'deer in the headlights' expressions. That tone from Nabiki was NOT good.  
  
"Here's a deal for you." The boys cringed at the word deal. "I forgive all your   
debts – and yes, Taro, you do have some – actually quite a few – in exchange for you two   
fighting together as a team."  
  
Neither Ranma's nor Taro's brains had caught up with this.   
  
"Wha- "   
  
"Huh- "  
  
Nabiki, however, was just getting warmed up. "Of course, such a heroic   
undertaking to rid the city of a horrific demon must not go unpublicized. I will become   
your manager and advertise your efforts to get rid of such a menace." Glancing darkly at   
Happosai, she added: "And knowing him, it WILL be a menace." Frowning, she added.   
"Now, I just need a name for you..."  
  
Ranma and Pantyhose had caught on by this point. Both were experiencing   
identical thoughts. 'Working with him? You gotta be kidding. I'm so much better than he   
is.' They expressed these thoughts in the same fashion.  
  
"Feh."  
  
Nabiki grinned. "That's it! Thanks, guys, you aren't quite as dumb as you look.   
The 'Feh' Squad it is. Oh, and don't even think of saying no. I'm sure I can arrange   
things quite nastily for either of you if you do." Grinning and rubbing her hands with glee   
at the thought of the money she was going to make, she turned to a dumbfounded Akane.   
"Akane, I'm so sorry to impose, but I'm going to need to come along on this shopping   
trip. So will Mr. Taro over there."  
  
As Nabiki's planning continued on, Soun Tendo sidled up to Genma Saotome. "I   
think I see our part in this, Saotome."  
  
"As do I, Tendo."  
  
As they marched out the door arm in arm, they gave their final verdict. "Getting   
drunk!"  
  
  
  
Inu-Yasha was NOT in a good mood. "Feh. What are these 'jeans' things for   
anyway. They're much too tight."  
  
Kagome glanced at him critically. It had taken her two hours to get the dog-eared   
half-demon here, and another half an hour before she managed to get him to try on some   
clothes. Still, she was having fun. 'Hmm... yeah, it does seem pretty tight on his butt.   
Nice butt, too.' Then she flamed red. 'Omigod... did I just think that about Inu-Yasha?'  
  
Inu-Yasha looked at her curiously. "Kagome? Why are you suddenly turning   
red?"  
  
Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, she was saved from having to answer by   
the arrival of a couple of her friends. "Kagome! We heard you failed in math again.   
We're so sorry! We thought we'd..." At this point they noticed a confused Inu-Yasha   
staring at them. "Eek! Who's this, Kagome?"  
  
"Your secret boyfriend? Hojo's gonna be so jealous."  
  
"Yeah, but can you blame her? He's so cute!"  
  
"Mmm-hmm. Gorgeous. Especially in those tight jeans." Kagome was turning   
redder and redder. "He's not... I mean, he's... I, uh..."  
  
Inu-Yasha had no idea what to make of the situation. Silently, he hoped it would   
just go away – and then his ears perked up. Something about a 'demon'. He glanced at   
where he'd heard it from. A pigtailed boy, a boy, wearing a strange outfit, and two girls   
seemed to be the source of the comment. 'Hmm, maybe they know something...'   
Unfortunately, before he even started to drag Kagome over toward the group, he   
encountered a new problem.  
  
"What's with his ears?"  
  
"Eek! They're so cute!"  
  
"Lemme touch them!"  
  
Inu-Yasha shot Kagome a despairing glance as he was surrounded by high-school   
girls. 'Help...'  
  
  
Nabiki was thinking out loud. "Hmm. We need some kind of uniform for you   
two..." The 'two' glowered and shuffled their feet, but before she could say what, she was   
cut off by Akane. "Nabiki? I need to get something in here, and you have the money."  
  
Nabiki sighed. "All right. It'll give me a minute to think anyway."  
  
Akane dragged the group over toward a clothing store entrance. In that entrance,   
however, was a group of shrieking girls, a blushing girl, and one hassled, set upon, jeans-  
wearing and generally disgruntled half-demon.  
  
And somewhere in Nerima, a dark shape ripped down a clothesline. "Panties!"  
  
  
  
  
To be continued...  
  
  
  
  
Well, folks, this one's gonna get pretty wacky by the time I'm through. Silliness,   
satire, and yes, R/A and IY/Kagome. There. Just so you know where my loyalties are.   
Oh, and of course, lots and lots of 'feh'. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this taste of The   
'Feh' Squad, and as always, write me reviews. Lots and lots of reviews. I live on reviews.   
You wouldn't want to see me die, would you?  
  
Anyone who wants to be a prereader, my email is mlamdin@hotmail.com. The more   
the merrier – I only have one.  
  
More to come, and yes, I'll finish Remnants (along with this and the UHS file for   
BG2: Throne of Bhaal).  
  
All Hail Lord Iron-Balls.  



End file.
